July 26, 2010

Where is my inspiration? I feel a bit suffocated by the responsibility and the stress laid on me by taking this trip. Everyone else is relaxing and I'm attempting to keep everything from falling apart. I'm not even sure if that's entirely necessary.

I lost it today. For about a week I've diligently been keeping my feelings - sadness, excitement, annoyance, frustration and joy all neatly folded up together and stored in a back corner of my mind. Throughout the week the pile kept building up, the feelings getting a little more untidily folded and the whole sha-bang getting slowly more and more unsteady. More recently, over the past couple of days, so many little things have been trying to get onto the top of the pile, climbing up and over all of the other ones, and sometimes two or more racing and kicking to reach the top. This caused little bits of this and that to fall off and show themselves. I let slip excitement at this, anger at that... The others finally noticed that I seemed to be frustrated and stressed about so many things and that I was trying to contain stuff. Finally, today, a big stab of annoyance tipped the top of the pile over and frustration spilled out all over the place. Suddenly I was freaking out over something that I would have normally just contained calmly like the times before. Of course this makes me look like a psychotic lunatic because it wasn't that big of a deal and I really overreacted to it. I suppose I have to somehow learn the whole "don't sweat the small stuff" thing. I've been thinking about too much that I can't change right now or ever.

I guess all I want is comfort, and comfort is expensive.

Although this was a crappy deal to write about, at least it's writing. At least it was a metaphor. I'm getting a bit back :) a bit of inspiration!

Posted by RJ Haely at 7:14 PM